Let's discuss the elephant in the room.  And the donkey. It is Election Night in the Nation's Capital which means it is time to PARTY! Especially after this deplorable, pussy-grabbing basket-case of an election cycle is finally brought to heel by our corporate media masters. Whether tonight's results have you celebrating or cursing whichever idiotic, backward bastards you disagree with for most certainly dooming our country for the next four years and beyond, there won't be any place to be in the USA tonight like DC.  And there's no place quite like Cloudy Tuesdays for the DMV cannabis community to let loose. Segue, baby! The Cloudy Tuesdays party is at Manor, which is a sleek, modern dance club off of Dupont Circle sponsored by Capsterdam University. Phone Homie will be there along with Watz Poppin and Kayaman Premium.  But if you're a novice, or your affection for good ganja led you away from listening to blaring trap music in a crowded room years ago, you may arrive at a bewildering scene. The Club presents a conundrum, a complex sexual equation that is difficult to understand at a glance. The music is far too loud to talk to anyone, so how did this room full of strangers set to dry-humping each other?  Did they shout at each other at the bar? Or does the human mating ritual begin with the hopeful male approaching a comely female and initiating a reverse-cowgirl standing lapdance? For you, I present this primer, the Gentleman's Guide to the Club:
  1. The mathematical probability is that some of the women attending are interested in carnal relations, if not tonight, then at some point in the near future. Excellent news! If you are seeking companionship, what you are looking for is eye contact. A signal to proceed. If it helps, think of it as augmented-reality Tinder. If she holds your gaze for a moment, this means she has swiped right. Approach without delay.
  2. If the lady is on the dancefloor, you may present your Grind. When the song ends, you should ask to purchase her the alcoholic beverage of her choice. If she is at the bar, you should not present your Grind at this time, but offer to buy her a drink instead. If she already has a full one, proceed directly to Step 5, you brave bastard. It is important that you are not drunk, so that you can pick up on small cues like this.
  3. This step is actually a prequel to numero uno.  You should have prepared for this moment by having arrived early, paying in cash, and proved yourself a generous, courteous patron to your bartender all night. Now, you can count on prompt service for your new friend. This is your first opportunity to demonstrate that you are the modern embodiment of the primal male archetype!
  4. The bartender will not suffice alone, as the newly-kindled connection could be easily severed at this juncture. This is why you have enlisted the aid of a Wingman. He is vital to your attempts at coupling and should be plied with drinks just past the edge of good sense to help him fulfill his role as a friendly, funny, flirting distraction for any disapproving companions she may have. If your Wingman is significantly better looking or charismatic than you, increase the alcohol applied by half or you will inevitably swap roles.
  5. Congratulations! You have successfully maneuvered your way into the Charming competition. Now all you have to do is present yourself cool, interesting, and a steadfast proponent of multiple orgasms.
Now get out there and enjoy the drunken magic of DC Election Night with someone that makes your auras sparkle, you crazy Indigo kids! But if you've arrived at this finish line gasping for breath, unable to bear the madding crowds, nobody will blame you if you throw the covers over your head tonight and come out tomorrow to the more relaxed Session Wednesdays at Manor. Perhaps you're not down with the club scene at all and looking for something quieter, more intimate. In that case, I highly recommend checking out King Weedy's Clubhouse the next time you get the chance. Dimly lit, with plenty of cozy couches and comfortable chairs, I loved the relaxing, inviting atmosphere and private back porch. Having arrived just an hour after the DC NORML members-only session began a couple weeks back, I ended up staying until they were closing the doors. FYI, the standard way to access the Clubhouse is to be a member of the King Weedy Cannabis Collective. My point is, there are events these days to fit every temperament and personality- even a manic, antisocial, pro-zombie zealot like your dear Gentleman has had a dash of fun. And after tonight, with nine more states set to legalize marijuana either recreationally or medically, we're going to have a lot more to celebrate. So come on out of your cannabis closet and say hi.