Burmese Berry from Pharmer Miller[/caption]
"KAAAAALI-MAAA!"
He stood dazed, his cybernetic eye unfocused, blood flowing from each of the many slash wounds the pale goblin had dealt with its fangs and the long, serrated blades that jutted from its forearms. The creature rent the alloy-reinforced epidermis around the man's neck with a metallic screech, like a can opener powered by a hurricane, and decapitated him in one vicious stroke. It held up its trophy to the Emperor, then the crowd, and shrieked in victory.
"Told ya, bro. Kano dies first." Movie star Johnny Cage managed to wink through his signature shades. "You're probably next."
I nodded and turned another shade of green as I puffed on a smooth joint of Burmese Berry and contemplated my imminent demise. All of Pharmer Miller's flowers are craft-quality cannabis, perfectly manicured and glistening with trichomes, easily among the very best that DC has to offer. Burmese Berry stood out to me for its decadent, lavender aroma, denoting a strong presence of linalool. This anti-inflammatory terpene has been used to reduce anxiety for thousands of years. Standing in Otherworld, watching as an inhuman beast publicly eviscerate a well-trained cyborg in Mortal Kombat, had given me plenty.
"Awww, don't be scared, honey," breathed the finely-toned, blonde Special Forces operator known as Sonya in mocking concern. Then she punched me in the arm so hard I nearly heaved. "Why did Raiden even bring you here, Nancy?"
"Uh, you mean Christopher Lambert? Didn't that dude die of auto-erotic asphyxiation?" I asked hazily. The Burmese Berry had made me exceptionally calm and bold. Sonja gave me a Look. Then I felt cold, iron chains wrap around my neck and with a jerk, I was speeding towards a dead-eyed, yellow-tunic'd ninja.
"GET OVER HERE!" he bellowed. Caught in his kunai, I was helpless to block the skull-rattling uppercut that inevitably followed. I fell backwards heavily.
"Cheap-shotting motherfucker every damn time," I mumbled. Some random asshole yelled "Toasty!" from the crowd.
"Terribly sorry, old chap. Force of habit, I'm afraid," he rasped as he unbound me and offered his hand up. "But you're thinking of David Carradine. Christopher Lambert is still alive."
"I suppose you'd know" I said, nodding and re-lighting my joint, "being undead and all."
Scorpion scoffed and crossed his arms. "We prefer 'biologically challenged,' actually, thank you."
"I'm no, uh, vitalist, man," I told him, and held out the doobie. "Some of my best friends have been to Hell."
"The Netherworld," he corrected. He held the jay to his face grill and the vapors disappeared into the abyss within, never to return. The ninja looked off to a horizon I couldn't see, inhaling again. "My soul is consumed with vengeance and I stand on the brink of losing what little humanity I have left to my demonic urges."
"I know, right? Totally." I held my hand out expectantly for the joint. Scorpion ignored it and went on.
"My clan was murdered, you know."
"Whose wasn't?" I reached for the spliff but he swiftly, unexpectedly switched hands. "You seem pretty nonchalant about it, though."
"Indeed," he said in deep admiration. "Whose sorcery is this?"
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Pharmer Miller with that Kardashian bling.[/caption]
"Pharmer Miller Organic Collective. I like it a lot, it's a very relaxing indica. Strong mood elevation without making you giddy or putting you to sleep. Doesn't make you hungry, either. The genetics are from Jordan of the Islands."
"Where do I find this Pharmer, small, sickly Earth child?"
"Oh, they're at lots of the events around town. Or follow them on Instagram. Very cool folks. Amazing flowers." I kicked a rock with my foot and pouted, "I'm a grown up, by the way. I've got, like, lower back pain and everything. They've got a great topical for that, if you're interested. And crazy good edibles."
"The inferno in my mind has eased," said the warrior calmly, and he finally handed me back the joint. "FINISH IT!" I nod solemnly and execute the Gentleman's Fatality by hitting it Left, Right, Up, Up, Down, Right.
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Like This and Like That and Like This and Uuh...[/caption]
"When I meet Quan Chi in battle," he nodded towards the underworld's most powerful necromancer, a bald, leering white-skinned freak sporting the latest atrocity in Otherworld fightwear, neck and arm fins, "I will consume his wickedness in hellfire."
"You can do anything you put your mind to," I said agreeably, feeling rather social after the Burmese Berry.
"GOOOOOROOOOOO!"
The six-armed centaur stomped out his cave. It wore an ogreish grin and a gnatty ponytail. The behemoth surveyed the field, snorted in derision and played to the braying, inhuman crowd, flexing its insane muscles and roaring.
"VERSUS THE GENTLEMAN!"
Johnny Cage clapped a hand on my shoulder jovially. "Told ya, bro."
Eep!
(to be Continued du-du-duh)